Stood Up To Comedy

Hello Ladies & Competitors,

The following was what I had prepared for a brilliant stand-up comedy gig that I never actually ended up delivering. I walked onto the stage, looked at the people looking at me and realised that I would never get a chuckle out of the crowd that was present. As I let that thought seep in someone started bitching about me and I walked off.

I didn't know if I was more embarrased with myself or with the misconception that I could ever get my jokes into the comatose congregation of conglomerated neurons that defined my audience.

They wanted to do more dick jokes and amuse themselves with the variety of ways by which the sluttiness of Bandra girls could be expressed. Bandra girls were part of that audience too. I think I just did a better job than any of those wankers.

Yes, this was at Bombay, over a year ago.

Anyway, here you go. It sounds dangerously close to George Carlin, but I guess the things that are fucked up about this planet are, well, globally relavant.

I trust you will enjoy this.

Oh, and under the light of the above, you'll really appreciate the gravity of my opening sentence.

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You know, I used to be angry with a lot of things, I used to get pissed off at a lot of people and I thought humor worked on that. Then I realized that the world works in Physics.

The idiocy of someone's actions are cancelled out by the idiocy of those upon whom they are inflicted.

Let me illustrate from the very bottom of human consciousness: organized religion.

There is this Swami, Swami Something, who loafs around the same regions as myself. The difference between us is that he makes more than a Crore every month - tax free and exclusive of benefits. I make jokes about him.

How does this happen?

The man has an idea of a ritual that he conjured.

He organizes some massive puja where people have to get 1 crore little shiv-lings (read: miniature penises of the god of love) made out of dough – otherwise it just ain’t auspicious. Now this dough is not just wheat bro, this guy asks them to put a coin at the bottom so as to give it an even shape.

The poor man thinks this is a bargain.

They are just selling shit man, the whole load of them.

I have to ride along the parlance of our times so - "ANY INVESTMENT BANKERS HERE TONIGHT?" Don't worry chaps, I wont bite you. I sympathize. You are all victims. Victims of the demon of our times - marketing. I saw this movie recently - called the inside job - which kind of explains why it is so well garlanded in awards.

The movie allegedly reveals the secrets behind the slump at Wall Street, and that made everyone shit bricks.

So they mentioned this credit rating agency called standard and poor's.

When I heard that I was like: How irrelevant, I'm the fuckin' elite.

So let me explain these kinetics from the third perspective:

There are these scales, A,B and C.

Imagine two monkeys talking to each other.

"Hey bro, this one is AA, very nice, fantastic returns all that. But this one, phew. AA and ‘Fuckin’ A’. Triple A bro!. That extra is, it is just *sniff*. Anyway, the choice is yours, what do you say?"

A whole load of shit if being shoved around.

That's the game.

The middle man thinks he is being fucked.

But you know what the main motherfuck up is: Education.

I met this 11th standard kid in Madhya Pradesh - an excelling science student as per his grades. I thought I'll explain how computers work work to him.

So I started.

He stared.

Then I asked him a couple of questions.

"Do you know what circuits are?"

He shrugged.

"Okay. You know how electricity works."

He said he had not done that chapter.

Physics.

Class 11.

No light.

So I asked him: "What do you do during your physics class?"

He replied "Question and Answers."

Atop the pyramid, when you stop thinking, someone else takes over for you.

Behold - the elite.

Everyone is selling shit.

God is willingly selling paradise, the devil is faithfully buying it.

A whole lot of shit is being sold.

But sadly, I can't sell this to you, because someone else has already convinced you not to buy it.

Shit.

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~FINI~